“Sheee’s an easy lover!”

September 30, 2008 rooroo

I’m not sure if I’m going to enjoy Dawn Porter’s Free Lover programme which starts tonight and she will be spending time in a commune in Germany. I don’t normally get much out of programmes where it’s like anthropology all over again, “Oooh look at all the strange stuff these foreign people are doing!” I can’t remember the name of it now (useful) but there was an interesting programme where members of an indigenous population armed with cameras came to the UK to comment on our population, society and culture. Both interesting and touching.

Back to Dawn, and my early morning breakfast of scrambled eggs and garlic mushrooms. B was on the computer so I switched the TV on and she was talking with Lorraine Kelly. My brain doesn’t always engage due to the subject content (‘New ways to decorate your pubic hair’ – joke) and time of the morning, but a couple of things struck me with what Dawn said, and mass eyeball rolling ensued.

I can’t give exact quotes, but the first thing insinuated was that if you are really really truly, madly, deeply, utterly butterly, head over heels in love with your partner – then dun dun duuun, you wouldn’t need anyone else in the relationship – in whatever context. Cue Lorraine nodding so ferociously I thought her head would come loose. It’s not the first time I’ve heard that, and it’s from a very monogamy-centric viewpoint, but can we hear something a little more original please? It’s not something that you can easily convince people otherwise of either, because of course, it’s easy for them to say you’re either in denial, or are deluded. I’m the first to admit that I can’t be my boyfriend’s ‘everything’ to him, and he can’t to me. When it first happened, I thought the world would crumble beneath my feet – but it didn’t, and oddly enough, I felt very relieved, and we started to enjoy each other for who we are, rather than some socially constructed idea in our minds of what we should be. That does not in any way mean that there is less love or that I would be happier upon meeting someone else who could tick more/less boxes. I think the mere idea that someone can be your everything is very misleading, sets people up for disappointment and puts pressure on all individuals involved. Sex and the City would have probably ended in the first season if the characters put their anxieties aside and started enjoying the men for who they were and what they were doing, end of.

The other thing said was that she couldn’t possibly engage with a lifestyle like polyamory, because of the ‘jealousy thing’. A contradiction of sorts, because last time I looked, monogamous couples get jealous too! It seems that all lifestyles seem to attest that by adhering to the principles, they won’t suffer from jealousy, infidelity etc. Of course, this is futile, because monogamy won’t protect you from the green-eyed monster, nor will polyamory guarantee that your partner won’t cheat on you, and so on.

When all that is taken into account, the differences should come down to the fact that’s it’s personal preference and what works for the individuals involved, and that the people themselves are only people and not some three-legged monsters that require a ‘mortal’ to go into their world and dissect them like a worm in biology class or go hunting for deep-rooted pathologies that have caused them to turn away from the status quo.

Of course, “We like fucking other people in our relationship because we just do,” isn’t going to cover an hour long programme schedule.

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Entry Filed under: kink, musings, relationships, sex and tagged: , , ,

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. elle&hellip  | 

    Sing it sista!

    Can I link to this? It includes some really interesting points, well expressed.

  • 2. dommebell&hellip  | 

    Of course!

  • 3. Aphoritastic « Chee&hellip  | 

    […] Sometimes they’re condescending. But… I’ve wanted to respond to these great poly/jealousy thoughts of Breena’s since she wrote them It seems that all lifestyles [monogamy, polyamory, &tc] […]

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