The Shit List: Pink

May 15, 2008 rooroo

Many awesome things come in patch form. Nicotine patches, contraceptive patches, patchwork quilts… one thing I shall not be adding to the list, is the Pink Patch. Holy pseudoscientific patronising crapola Batman!

Yes, it’s a ‘weight loss’ patch. Unless that patch has sharp jagged edges and works by cutting off pieces of your body, I remain sceptical.

First, look at the website. It looks like a bottle of Pepto Bismol vomited all over it. Oh charming, there’s lots of PINK, you know – for girls! And the patch is pink too! How cute!

So what are they claiming to do, besides leaving the viewer with repetitive strain injury from all the eyerolling?

Want to lose thoe problem pounds?

Want to make your skinny jeans your regular jeans?

Then get Skinny witt the New Pink Diet Patch! (yes, the text was pink)

Note the capitalisation on the word Skinny. Nice!

Next comes the alliteration. I think someone did GSCE English!

  • FAST — You’ll start to burn more fat instantly! Proven to be the quickest way to infuse your body with all-natural weight loss ingredients for amazing results!
  • FRESH — Revitalise your body with the energy of the Pink Patch! With the weight coming off, you’ll feel recharged not to mention how amazing you’ll look!
  • FREE-SPIRITED — Don’t give up your social life and become a slave to the gym to achieve that perfect body. Simply put on the Pink Patch and take off that stubborn stone – it’s that easy.
  • Ah, we’re in the natural = good realm. Don’t worry, the ingredients are natural! It’s not like you’re one of those fools who takes horrible fake big-pharma evil type yellow suppliments like Spike (erm…), it’s natural! All natural ingredients, bunged together on an adhesive pink patch. How zen, earthy and natural! Fresh? Erm, well, I guess that could work. To be honest, nothing beats the fresh feeling of cool water running down your hot, sweaty body after some fartlek. Nothing beats the horrible feeling of discovering you forgot to bring an additional set of underwear, so on with the sweaty set. My personal favourite comes with the promise of being free spirited. Aren’t we lucky? Remember the last time we were told we could be all free spirited and womanly? Less of the pink and more of the crimson gushing. We get to bung cotton mice-shaped objects into our vaginas when they bleed, but it’s ok because the free-spirit inside you now can go and rollerblade by the beach in white shorts!

    So where’s the science? Well, according to the brain cells (and I use the term loosely) at pinky towers one of the active ingredients is a substance called: Fucus Vesiculosus or Bladder wrack:

    hard to pronounce, but it’s a girl’s best friend!

    Aww, don’t worry your pretty little head about it! Just slap it on and ask no question! Just a little bit of information about Bladderwrack. It should not be taken by people suffering from hyperthyroidism, cardiac problems, pregnancy and lactation. So much for the ‘no side-effects’, not really a girl’s best friend if that girl happens to have endocrine problems or is breastfeeding.

    After trawling through pink hell you get to the bottom where the No Shit element comes into force:

    All successful weight loss programs should include a sensible meal plan and an exercise program to be completely effective.

    Best part of all? The ‘free’ 6 day trial is actually signing you up for a Direct Debit payment of £35 a month. Naughty, naughty.

     

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    Entry Filed under: body image, free range rude

    3 Comments Add your own

    • 1. elle&hellip  | 

      I’ve been half-writing a post about this as well!!

      I saw the banner ad on Facebook, I think, and my thought was “A patch that makes you lose weight by controlling appetite? Yeah right, only if there’s amphetamine in in.”

      And then I clicked through and read this:

      The Pink Patch contains 5-HTP, which is a natural mood enhancer and also helps curb your appetite.

      As every good rave bunny will tell you, 5-HTP is a precursor to serotonin – taking it before a night on pills will increase your high. So ‘mood enhancer’ and ‘curb your appetite’ sounds about right then.

      And notice how they use ‘natural’ to refer to something that is chemically synthesised but found in humans, as opposed to something that is extracted directly from an organic source.

      http://www.erowid.org/smarts/tryptophan/

    • 2. dommebell&hellip  | 

      Interesting! Never knew it was taken before a session on pills, I would have thought its use would have something to do with reducing the effects of a comedown

      I love erowid

    • 3. G.&hellip  | 

      I have actually taken it before, during AND after a night out, for obvious reasons…

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