Monogamy? Tick ‘yes’ or ‘no’

April 11, 2008 rooroo

For me it’s more of a, ‘no thanks’

I am not in a monogamous relationship. I’m not quite sure how exactly we would define it in terms of slapping a label on, and I’m not quite sure when we came to that conclusion, however, drawing on both of those points, it’s apparent that it’s something we eased into, on quite an easygoing basis. My life is bound up in other strict rules and regulations, especially in medicine, so it’s reassuring and comforting to know I have something where I can slip into rather like the white flimsy cotton nightdress I have (I think I was having a Jane Austin moment when I ordered it).

This arrangement works for us for several reasons:

1) While we have our own set of rules and regulations, it allows us to pursue certain relationships with others that monogamy would not allow, simply because, “It’s wrong.” Human beings and sexuality don’t bode well in terms of labels, pathologies and boxes; we’re far more fluid, complicated and constantly evolving than that. It would seem unfair to apply restraints on each other when we have so much to learn from the relationships we can form with other people; not only as individuals but as a couple whether they are crushes, friendships or sexual encounters. This also fits in well for me as a feminist because we do not view each other as each other’s property (unless we’re playing kinky sex games). He may be ‘my boyfriend’ but he’s not ‘mine’ in the sense that I’ll try to glass you if you dare to look at him for more than a microsecond. Please feel free to take a look; he has a gorgeous bum that I can only dream of getting after 10,000 lunges (with heavy weights obviously).

2) I met my boyfriend during a time where I started to be very attracted to other women. I had never explored this side of myself before and I continue to do so. I’m not saying I would have called things off between us had he not been cool with it, but knowing that he was supportive in me trying out this new found identity only made me love him more.

3) I have a level of communication I have never had in previous relationships. Again, I’m not saying this can’t be achieved with monogamy, but I’ve discovered I have a voice that I can use where I previously would have not done so, for fear of upsetting the other person, and/or causing them to be jealous. Obviously, we do have to say things to each other occasionally the other person won’t like, but we’re not afraid to say those things. Having had a lot of therapy, I am able to take apart negative feelings I’ve had and see why, rather than just running through something that’s making me feel horrible. This also works well in the context of our relationship.

4) There’s an uncertain fluidity to where our relationship will go, which is actually quite a nice thing. We may decide to play with others for a number of years, we may decide to give it a rest for a while then pick up where we left off down the line. The fact is, the potential is there and we can adjust and adapt for what we see fit, or the new environments we come to be in. There’s nothing to suppress or feel guilty about, it’s there out in the open and brought a new level of security for me that I again did not get in previous relationships, although perhaps they were just paving the way for where I was to end up? Perhaps this in itself is a new, funky coloured paving stone.

That’s the tall and short of it. There are other issues I probably have not covered, but will leave for another time while I ponder.


Entry Filed under: kink, relationships, sex

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